Well it looks like Ive finally done it, killed what was something wonderful by not appreciating it and taking it for granted for too long. I want to say in my defence but tbh I havent got the heart or the inclination, Ive withdrawn too much from life, let things drift past me while Ive just existed and argued stupid bollocks on the internet.
For months probably years Ive not spoken about real stuff with Manda and shes decided that she doesnt want to be alone any more with me. That might sound daft but its what life is like for her, she is with me, having to look after me, do all the carer things and yet had nothing from me in return. Literally nothing, we dont speak about things we like, things we dont like, our interests or our pain. Manda because I just havent listened to her, Ive started by listening and then tuned her out and carried on doing whatever it was I was already doing, not because I wasnt interested but because my mind needed something else. No excuse, its rude its disresectful and most of all its wrong.
I dont talk about my interests with Manda because I used to and she felt like I didnt respect her for taking part and wanting to be part of it, shes probably right and I didnt but when I mention something now the shutters come down and her face hardens 9 times out of ten. Im used to that face now, it used to be one that was so open and full of love for me but I took it as a right and not as the treasure it was, now I hear it in her voice when she has to speak to me, I feel it in the sighs and the comments about what she is doing, the disdain and the resentment and sometimes the hatred. Its horrible but I cant say I dont deserve it, so many times Ive made her feel like she didnt matter, like what she was doing or saying wasnt important. I really do hate the way Ive made her feel and it breaks my heart to realise how she feels about me now. We were watching a tv programme earlier about a childrens hospital ward, a very emotional subject bearing in mind our history with Owain, I touched her hand just to ask her if she was OK, I wanted her to look at me so I didnt make it obvious to the kids that I was worried about her but she didnt react, didnt look my way didnt even move her hand away from mine, she just left it there with my fingers brushing it and ignored me completely.
I think that was the point that really brought it home to me that it is over and nothing I do or say will change that. It was only a couple of days ago that, when we were discussing moving now the kids are grown and leaving the house, she said to me but youre not thinking that you will be moving with us/me are you. I was shocked, it hadnt occurred to me that I wouldnt, that she didnt want me any more. I knew she wasnt happy, I know Im a bastard to live with and that I wasnt making her happy any more but in my head we could turn it round, we have always turned it round, tried again, given it another go. But not this time, this time Ive gone too far, made things so unbearable that she literally cannot bear the thought of me being with her any more and I cant blame her for that at all.

I dont think Id want to be with me if I had a choice, not to get all woe is me about it, what do I bring to the world or a relationship, or anything really?

Am I a good husband? no really really no.
Am I a good dad? No, the kids have seen what Ive done, they see the person I am and beyond being in the same house they dont interact with me, dont need me.
Am I a good grandad? no, I love callie to bits and love her being around but I dont think I am a good grandad, I dont have the way with her Manda does, shes raised the kids pretty much alone and perfected her skills on them. I didnt.
Do I have a purpose? Beyond arguing with people on the internet, talking rubbish and generally being an arsehole I cant think of anything.

I dont know what to do, Im staying up later and later not because I dont want to go to bed but because I cant think of a future without her, but I should have thought of that before it was too late.

First Time

Well Im sitting here watching football, if you can call it that, its the Sheffield derby and the ball spends 75% of its time above head height. Can either set of fans really enjoy watching the ball getting leathered from one end of the pitch to the other with a few brief interludes of them hacking lumps out of each other? Wednesday have just missed a penalty taken in the most lazy manner you can imagine. I think I might go and watch the grass grow outside theres more excitement in that than this game, Im so bored I cant even reach for the remote to turn it over!